Corn and tomatoes,
Corn and tomatoes.
There's nothing I like better
Than corn and tomatoes!!!

It is count down to the beach. Clothes are out....please remember that all you wear is your bathing suit and you don't need 3 pairs of jeans!!!! Have you ever walked into a place and felt in your soul that you have been there before, and I am not talking last year's vacation. That in some juju way this is home? that is how I feel when I walk up for the first moment I get on the sand and look at the Atlantic ocean. My brain stops thinking, My heart calms, my lungs open and I say to God, thanks for welcoming me home. I know what my heaven will be.

The beach started for me when I was 3- that was 40 years ago and it continues on Friday. Meeting my cousins the Clifton family at Summer Song house in Long Beach has moved to South Carolina. The easy drawl of the people suck me in immediatey. Early morning shelling and the grand search for sand dollars, elaborate sand castles, sea urchins, shark boiling....peeyew! Lobster man and net man, chewing tobacco, fishing poles, popsicles and peanut butter sandwiches with sand...........guitar music on the porch. Talent show, Rinso Blue, God dammit Dotsy, the pier and all the tricks and gadgets we would find. The memories go on and on..... and somewhere deep in my former lives I continue to add to them. My beach badge of honor is not how tan or how many shells I can collect.............it is how long can I keep the sand in my purse after I am back in Kansas-

Spring

I smelled honeysuckle today......Spring has sprung people. And we all have a bounce in our step. I took the dogs on a walk in a secret place. It's a beautiful place by pine trees and close to the river. While I was walking in the field, I kept hearing this sound like a bowl of rice crispies. I couldn't figure it out so I stopped under a tree to listen. The sun was shining, it was warm... It was the sound of pine cones opening and flinging its seeds. Have you ever heard pinecones open. I was blessed. I kept walking and then I heard the little cricket frogs that just developed. It was a listening walk.

Today I made asparagus risotto with shrimp and morel mushrooms. It truly was one of the most divine things I have put in my mouth. It takes an hour to make and stir. Risotto is therapy. Add some broth, stir until its gone, Add some broth, stir until its gone...........again and again. I used some dried morels my daddy had purchased for me. They are so expensive, I only used a few. I put on Hootie and the Blowfish on the ipod, poured a glass of Monte de Oro Syrah and started stirring. Spring is great...........it's proof that you lived through all the shit of winter.

A good mother

I took a walk this morning in the cemetary. This song was playing on my ipod. It caught me off guard and I sat down and cried on Mr. Finley's grave. I got a letter in the mail today.....Thanks, mommy. How blessed I am to have you.

Good Mother by Jann Arden

I've got money in my pocket,
I like the color of my hair.
I've got a friend who loves me,
Got a house, I've got a car.
I've got a good mother,
and her voice is what keeps me here.
Feet on ground, Heart in hand, Facing forward, Be yourself.

I've never wanted anything.
No I've, no I've,
I've never wanted anything, so bad..(so bad).

Cardboard masks of all the people I've been
Thrown out, with all the rusted, tangled dented God Damned miseries!!
You could say I'm hard to hold,
But if you knew me you'd know,
I've got a good father,
And his strength is what makes me cry.
Feet on ground, Heart in hand, Facing forward, Be yourself.

I've never wanted anything,
No I've, no I've,
I've never wanted anything so bad..(so bad).

I've got money in my pockets,
I like the color of my hair.
I've got a friend who loves me,
Got a house,
I've got a car.
I've got a good mother, and her voice is what keeps me here.
Feet on ground, Heart in hand, Facing forward,Be yourself.
Heart in hand, Feet on ground, Facing forward, Be yourself.
just be yourself. just be yourself.
Feet on ground, Heart in hand, Feet on ground, Heart in hand....

Time

The whole the reason I am this skinny girl can give credit to my genetics. If you saw my beautiful mother and many of you do, you will notice her leaness. My father, also slim, my Nana had gams, baby. So I can be considered blessed that in my inherent make up we are slim, long and do not have the pearshaped, donut butt. We have no butt or breasts for that matter, however it makes it easier to sit on an airplane. But another reason that I am skinny today- 108 pounds as of now - I have cystic fibrosis. CF is a genetic disease that must be passed on through carrier genes from both the father and the mother. My brother, same parents, does not have the disease, nor do his children. They could all be carriers, but we don't know. CF makes the mucus in my lungs sticky and gluey. I have to spend time getting the bad stuff out of my lungs.

My time with CF involves a lot of breathing treatments. Sometimes I wish I was an astronaut that has a back pack breathing apparatus that I can walk around and do stuff but breathe my medicine. But usually I am just on the couch. Here is a break down of my time in the AM:

6:00-6:09 Brovana in nebulizer
6:10-6:23 DNase in neb

6:25-7:00 Mucomist in neb- smells like rotten eggs and is a lovely fragrance to wake up too :)

Then in the PM - I do the Brovana again- and now we are thinking of adding another. Weigh the time issue- dead in your bed or clean lungs and 2 hours a day of treatments. That thought is getting easier for me all the time.

This disease takes time. A lot of time. I don't give it enough time, sometimes I give it too much time. I am seeking that balance of time. But we all are fighting time in our own lives. My schedule is crazy, but I still have time to have wine with a friend or two. Whenever I am thinking- "Oh I don't have time to get it all done" I stop and think of growing up and hearing....."Tomorrow is another day, Scarlett". My mother would say this quote from Gone With the Wind. I may not have finished my room, a project, my Barbie town.....but she would let me know that yes, it would all be here tomorrow and I could work on it then. Two things- she gave me a tomorrow and she let me finish. I love my mom for that.

40 years later, Scarlett is still around. Today and yes, tomorrow. I work. I play. I read. I cook. I watch. I listen. I talk. ~and whatever it is, does not get done- I will be here tomorrow to finish.

Silence

Silence is not something I experience much in my life right now. As a kindergarten teacher, we don't have many quiet times, then working at a school- there is always something going on outside my hall. Same goes for home. It is not often that I come home and the house is completely quiet. TV or radio is left on for the dog or husband :) In my car ESPN radio is talking incessently. When I wake up in the morning my head starts to talk. Instant pictures flash through my brain, like digital images downloading on a computer. What am I going to think about today it flashes? Obviously a lot. Skinny girls have big fat thoughts.

Silence is hard. I try to sit in silence sometime in my day. I can't do it. That crazy chick in my head is always talking. The most silent lately has been the Sunday morning snow. It just softened our air, our town. Silence is for watching. Last night in the Olympics I watched the skiers on the top of the mountain. For the first time in a long time I could see what skiers liked. Minus all the cow bells for competion, skiing would be a place of silence. Soft snow high mountains, no talking. I experienced it once- in Jr. high- on a little bunny slope- I could not ski- but I found a place I could go around and around- in silence, by myself.

This season of Lent I have checked the d365.org website for a daily devotion. I love it- I look at it first thing everyday. It has soothing music, scripture, life connections and a prayer to send me off to my day. This year I did not give up Coke or chocolate for lent, but instead I am cultivating a habit.... Listening. I am not a good listener. I want to share my side. Be in control of the conversation and how it flows. But I know that Jesus listened and maybe I could be better. Listening takes practice. We are even practicing in Kindergarten so I get it there too.

So if you see me- and hopefully you do, I want to listen to you. What do you listen for? Questions? Emotions, Ideas. That is the fun of listening I guess. When you listen you learn. about people and the world. - and the scariest of all yourself.

Fear

Last night I woke up with such a start in pure unadulterated fear. That feeling of scared that you are not where you should be and it's time for fight or flight. My fists were clenched and I came out swinging.............I really am not sure the reason for the fear, a dream, bad TV, a margarita at 4pm. but it got this little skinny girl thinking big heavy thoughts.... What is scared? Is it loss of something, change of something, too much of something? So why are we not scared all of the bloomin'n time? Everything we do, Involves changing or not changing.........What makes us go on when we are scared?

That initial reaction of fear is adreneline. Heart pumping- Fists up, roll over, survey your surroundings. Next is think- what is this really about. Am I in physical danger........no I was in my bed. After I knew I was OK, I said to myself- hey you are a fighter. Heart slows and now you can think- what just happened? Fixer me says, How do I fix this? -Think

But it is the human thinking part that is so amazing. Every single one of us is scared sometimes- You know our President is scared sometimes, my mom is scared sometimes. Sometimes it is for ourselves, but most of times we are scared for people we love.

In our family we say education is key. If you can't find the answers you need, go out into the big world and find someone that can help you find the answers. Sitting in your bed scared...........you are missing so much. Maybe because I am not still in my bed I will notice the little daffodils trying to poke up on the side of the house today.................

There is nothing to fear but fear itself............